Do 1 thing I* fear a day. Once uncomfortable, now comfortable.
I’m missing a key ingredient of suicide: feeling like a burden.
I know I’m useful. I know people need me. I know I’m useful.
These thoughts keep me going, despite this ridiculous sensation of grief.
I just don’t want to go on, but I’m useful, so I will.
My birthday is tomorrow. Last year, my girlfriend broke up with me on my birthday over text (“I don’t care if it’s your birthday…”). This year, my would-be boyfriend who’s better than anything I’ve ever had before broke it off on the 21st before an amazing set of Halloween events that I really looked forward to. Now I’m set to be alone again for my birthday tomorrow.
I don’t want to see my 26th birthday. I have about five hours until my birthday. I really, really would like to end it. I wish I had the gun, but I don’t, so I have another method. This method’s certainly deadly, but it’s uncertain how painful it’ll be, and my body would become toxic to the environment. This method will literally necrify my basal ganglia and cause respiratory failure. It’ll probably feel like drowning in air or having the most severe asthma on the planet.
I have reasons to stay, so I probably won’t implement this method. But… this is what I’m thinking about.
I have two abscess teeth that are extremely painful.
I not only have abscess teeth, but an abscess heart. I’m horribly wounded, and I endure agonizing emotional pain in addition to the physical.
With the abscess teeth, I’m going to have to carve out the souls of two teeth, two nerves, and have two crowns placed on each. Like that, I believe my future relationships will be.
It will be nothing like what I’ve had. It will be a fake simulacra that will have no depth or meaning.
I wish I could make this the last goodbye. I wish I could just make this end.
Since my last post, I’ve found someone I really enjoyed and fucked it up by sleeping with his best friend. I’ve since had suicidal ideation so severe that I attempted to buy a gun (the FBI denied my attempt). Shit I’ve done during the early parts of the blog are the likely reason (my parents petitioned me to a mental hospital). So my images of blowing my head off now show me squeezing empty space where a gun would be, nothing happens, and I live.
Daniel from the bible was vegetarian.
Benjamin Franklin was vegetarian.
Adolf Hitler apparently was vegetarian.
Tony Robbins is vegetarian.
Why not see what the fuss is about.
After I consume my meat products, I’ll eat only vegetable-based calories for thirty days.
Lez go!
Between 1336 14-Jan, 2018 and 1336 14-Feb, 2018, I* will keep my ass offline from Steam and Discord. Because, I’ve been spending 60+ hours a week on these games–imagine what I’d get done if I appropriated that time for better results.
I know the posts are ugly. I’m thinking of ways to improve it. Bear with me.
Slice-of-Life:
Played 18+ hours of PUBG yesterday. With a variety of people. Crazy.
When I was sixteen or seventeen, I was asked to watch my neighbors dog. As a self-repressed, semi-homosexual, I found the idea of sucking the dog off and having the dog hump me an interesting exploration of this part of me. So I did both those things. While I’m sure the dog was okay with it, I’m sure it’s in general something I probably shouldn’t have done. I have many fears about admitting it to the owners of the dog, but ultimately, I’m a better person now, and I value a clean conscience–and the support of the firm belief of “authenticity is the best policy” with action–so my task for today is to admit this to said people.
Quality: 3/5
Speed: 5/5
Concentration: 4.5/5
Force: 5/5
Intensity: 4/5 (Would have been a 4.5 if I were talking to them in person.)
Plan:
Just sent Shell M. Phelps a message on Facebook.
None
“The way to become more comfortable, more often, is to experience more discomfort, more often.” ~ Aaron Bell
Analyze hours-to-progress data!
Quality: 3.5/5
Speed: 4/5
Concentration: 3/5
Force: 3/5
Intensity: 2.5/5 (Would have been a 4.5 if I were talking to them in person.)
Plan:
For two-factor experiments for various factor pairs. If I* find a way to analyze for interaction with three or more factors, do that experiment.
If I* will commit to constant and never-ending improvement, I will see superiority in all I I commit to. (Working belief until I get something more specific.)
Good: Write -> Do–and not even Write -> Publish -> Do nor even Write -> Publish -> Freak -> Do. Just did it!! For the most pate
CP: How to connect with people: Email, FB, phone. When to do it. Whether to do it or not.
Good -> Better: Breathe. Presence. Just do it.
Not-So-Good: Didn’t tell Paul. Maybe should’ve told Alex. Didn’t call.
Different Than Not-So-Good: Call ’em. Do it at the beginning of the year instead of waiting seven days. Forget reputation when doing these things. Be present.
“Systematic stress followed by renewal is the key to high performance.”
~ James E. Loehr and Tony Schwartz
Deep breathing.
Done: 4/5
Quality: 4/5
Plan:
Do it.
I know the posts are ugly. I’m thinking of ways to improve it. Bear with me.
Slice-of-Life:
Stayed up late recording videos of myself playing PUBG, hoping to get better. Missed a basketball appointment with my dad ;.; Also missed playing games with Casey Jones. I don’t wake up very easily.
Devote eight hours, additional to whatever I may have done before writing this post, to the full implementation of the scientific method with relation to experimental design, Fast Experiments, and business.
Quality: 3.5/5
Speed: 1.2/5
Concentration: 2.5/5
Force: 3/5
Intensity: 2/5
Plan:
Just devote another four hour session to this after this. After a four hour session, play for a bit. Use friends to contradict what I*’ve learned. Then get back into it by 02:30. Play PUBG after that.
After this four-hour session (or maybe during):
Done: 2.5/5
Quality: 2/5
Speed: 3.5/5
Concentration: 3/5
Force: 2/5
Plan:
Do it. | Played a lot of games. Might’ve done a workout, but I don’t remember.
If I* will commit to constant and never-ending improvement, I will see superiority in all I I commit to. (Working belief until I get something more specific.)
Good: Did more than two four-hour study sessions. Threw myself into some complicated math and extremely useful stuff–namely Taguchi and Response-Surface methodology.
CP: Whether and when to sign off. What to respond with when I don’t. How to handle commitments that interfere with me mid-game. What to do when things get interesting, or I* don’t understand something. What to do when I* get overwhelmed.
Good -> Better: Set time limits on my home ec and game playing. Make sure I* get what I* go after within my four hour sessions. Be present always!
Not-So-Good: I played games, stayed online, when I still had work to do. Now, I still have an hour’s worth of questions and a chapter left to read, when I* could be onto the next thing.
Different Than Not-So-Good: Sign off! Stay signed off until my goal is done. Keep going, especially when it seems overbearing.
“Systematic stress followed by renewal is the key to high performance.”
~ James E. Loehr and Tony Schwartz
“Drink a recovery potion” anytime my energy dips below “20%” in any quadrant (spiritual, mental, emotional, physical). This really means nap, deep breathe, meditate, work out–in that order.
Done: 4/5
Quality: 4/5
Plan:
Do it.
“The way to become more comfortable, more often, is to experience more discomfort, more often.” ~ Aaron Bell
When I was sixteen or seventeen, I was asked to watch my neighbors dog. As a self-repressed, semi-homosexual, I found the idea of sucking the dog off and having the dog hump me an interesting exploration of this part of me. So I did both those things. While I’m sure the dog was okay with it, I’m sure it’s in general something I probably shouldn’t have done. I have many fears about admitting it to the owners of the dog, but ultimately, I’m a better person now, and I value a clean conscience–and the support of the firm belief of “authenticity is the best policy” with action–so my task for today is to admit this to said people.
Quality: 4/5
Speed: 5/5
Concentration: 4/5
Force: 3/5
Intensity: 4/5 (Would have been a 4.5 if I were talking to them in person.)
Plan:
Just sent Shell M. Phelps a message on Facebook. ()
Slice-of-Life: Tossed and turned for three hours last night, pontificating a life-altering decision. Finally got to sleep at 0400. Woke up at 1000. Actually got up after 1400. Emotionally sick Casey fails to land with us at the Prison in PUBG. Lands in the water. Disconnects after that.
Past Comfort Expanding Ritual Task:
Devote eight hours, additional to whatever I may have done before writing this post, to the full implementation of the scientific method with relation to experimental design, Fast Experiments, and business.
Quality: 3.5/5
Speed: 3/5
Concentration: 4/5
Force: 3.5/5
Intensity: 2/5
Plan: Just devote another four hour session to this after this. Use friends to contradict what I*’ve learned. Systematic stress followed by renewal is the key to high performance. | Done?: Worked two hours. Got a call from sis. Went to the parents’ place for a couple of hours. Came back and finished the process through the New Year. Yielded a shiny new website and five posts on fastexperiments.io.
Past Recovery Task: After this four-hour session (or maybe during):
Done: 4/5
Quality: 3.5/5
Speed: 3.5/5
Concentration: 3/5
Force: 2/5
Plan: Do it. | Done?: Deep breathing and hot chocolate pretty much any time I* felt my energy below 30%. Was good.
FP -> Comfort Expansion:
Good: Focused and persistent. Followed through and got the website done and secured properly–with memory-shortage and security contingencies considered.
CP: Whether to build the website. Whether to contact Paul. What question to ask. What metric to optimize. Presence? How to collect evidence. Whether to ask the conclusion questions that Elon proposes. When to form an axiom. How much to write out.
Better: Be present while I do things. Ask questions about how things really work. Perhaps set learning goals.
Not-So-Good: At a certain point, I had a “durr” moment. I was not willing to step back emotionally and see what I needed to. I stopped ID-ing evidence for short bursts of time.
Different: Be present during the whole process. Presence, even if it means being temporarily unable to work, is better than working without it.
“The way to become more comfortable, more often, is to experience more discomfort, more often.” ~ Me.(Note to self, not reader: Reread “Why” before writing this.)“What comfort expanding task, if completed, would most increase my CTCU?”
Next Comfort Expanding Task:
(Repeat) 
Devote eight hours, additional to whatever I may have done before writing this post, to the full implementation of the scientific method with relation to experimental design, Fast Experiments, and business.
Quality: 4/5
Speed: 5/5
Concentration: 4/5
Force: 3/5
Intensity: 2/5
Plan: Just devote another four hour session to this after this. After a four hour session, play for a bit. Use friends to contradict what I*’ve learned. Then get back into it by 02:30. Play PUBG after that.
Systematic stress followed by renewal is the key to high performance.
Next Recovery Task: After this four-hour session (or maybe during):
Done: 4/5
Quality: 3.5/5
Speed: 3.5/5
Concentration: 3/5
Force: 2/5
Plan: Do it.
Fucking Hell, Man! 