Examine This Neurosis: How Not To Die Painfully & Live Slowly

For the record, it’s not fun in the moment to do these challenges.

   Severe Neck Tension Combined With Acid Burn
They’re fucking terrible. They hurt my brain. And indigestion combined with severe neck tension combined with acid burn in my upper back torso… and you basically have what I go through on a daily basis.

Yet they’re also fucking elite and uplifting. Nothing’s more inspiring than seeing something so painful pass… not too unsimilarly to that of passing a self-induced kidney stone… or tearing up the muscle of the biceps and pecs via barbells for a moment.

Anyway, that’s just an intro to what’s to come. For this week, I chose to do and did the following:

  • Water dance in the middle of my road while waiting for cars to let me pass on a busy street near downtown Kalamazoo
  • Make out with a girl I’ve been hanging out with… challenge her on her fellatio skills… get a rather amazing blowjob (I haven’t received “good head” before)
  • Submit proposals on eLance and the Warrior forum like a motherfucker… I’ve got $1,700 of debt to clear up on my American Express Platinum Card
  • Visualize for three hours a day for two days in a row
  • Asked over a thousand questions to Eben Pagan’s Patterns of Personality program and answered each on Evernote… to upload to a private Quizlet file
  • Read up on what people have been complaining about on forums like the Warrior Forum and the PUA forum

   Before I talk about the elephant in the room,
Before I talk about the elephant in the room, the $1,700, I’d like to break down the water dance.

It’s incredible to me how naturally that just occurred, because the process of crossing my arms and full-out water dancing just came naturally to me. I just loved to have a certain, captive audience smile at a me from behind tinted windshields. It was almost as if their attention and approval fed a warm, glowing energy into my soul that would lift my feet with the winds of love as I would then complete the run.

Then again, I did the exercises from Become The Extrovert exercise I outlined in the previous post, so it’s not really surprising to me that something like this would become natural for me.

   Handling this credit card debt
With regard to credit card debt, I’d like to say that the biggest challenge for me, lately, has been handling this credit card debt. While I was an idiot for racking up this debt, I was also smart for investing it on areas such as: 1) my health (Sambazon, water, chocolate milk), 2) personal assistance, 3) Books such as Ogilvy on Advertising and 4) Coaching from Eric. But, with that rationale for why my idiocy was allowed, let’s just say that I would’ve set a better example for my readers if I were to have never had the debt in the first place.

   A Silent Aneurysm of All Success,
Anyway, there was a period of 36 hours recently where my parents came over, and I was just feeling “impeded.” I felt as if their very existence caused me to shrink down into a silent aneurysm of all success, all progress that I had created thus far. This mild mental stroke would eventually trigger me when my dad and I fought over the Internet–at two in the morning. I bitched at him for four hours, trying to sell him on killing himself.

   Sick of him trying to do this power play bullshit
I was so sick of him trying to do this power play bullshit. He just wanted to walk in and get into my space because he wanted to express his control over the house, the environment. He wanted to feel that sense of control that he doesn’t get at his job. And even though I can relate to him (I want control over my life more than any other thing that could possibly be desired), he needs to get his control from someone other than me.

So it goes, after this little rant, after I countered his controlling behavior with 4 hours of biting his head off by painting a vivid, disgusting picture of black that included all the things wrong with him, I would eventually write out four pages, in small font and tight spacing, all the ways to kill him. I had developed a 10 step ritual to becoming the most elite assassin that would rival that of the CIA’s. There were the slip-ups (such as blood on the carpet, the nooks, the crannies or people not seeing him at work) that I’d avoid by painstaking preparation. I’d avoid all suspicion by moving out of town for three months before I ever did anything… etc., etc.

   A Very Dark, Very Deep Hole
Anyway, after this BS rant, after this machination of murder, after returning from this fantasy world that I often escape to when my idealistic expectation aren’t met, I realized that I had violated one of my highest values: Absolute, sincere devotion to the growth of other human beings. Anything, and I mean anything, that drives against that value literally triggers a button in me called “Go insane.” After realizing how much I had wanted my father dead, knife dripping with his blood onto a plastic tarp that I had prepared to avoid staining the carpets–avoiding blood detection–I realized I had just jumped down into a very dark, very deep hole where I can’t expect nothing but misery and shame and despair.

   “Crystal Clear Saline Teardrops”
Scraping my sides against the hard stone of this giant holes boundaries at a 128 miles per hour, I wind rushed upward against me. Wind brushes past my face. Crystal clear saline teardrops dart above my prostrate body falling through the abysmal black. In my mind, I have dropped… When my mind returns to the real world, I shout with the fullest of air in my lungs “HELP. ME. DIE. HELP. ME. DIE.” I didn’t want to fucking live at this point. Everything I’ve ever held in my mind for an extended period of time has always been subject to becoming a reality. Every goal that I’ve ever imagined, every idealistic pursuit has somehow manifested in someway shape or form… why wouldn’t this one? I’ve essentially killed my father in advance, therefore, I need to die now.

   Fast Forward 36 Hours
I’m in my house alone, listening to Chillstep, contemplating all the ways to make my offer on eLance the best offer in the entire world. Plotting all the angles, all the avenues in which to annihilate and essentially obliterate my copywriting competition with covertly excessive preparation, I’ve totally forgotten about this whole anger-at-my-father thing. I’ve forgiven my father and have relinquished my pursuit of vengeance. He’s literally out of my mind–with the exception of what I needed to think about to share my experiences with him in this post. What have steps did I take to do this? Let me delineate the steps I’ve taken to rid myself of some soul crushing daddy issues:

   Daddy Issue Non-Issuization

  1. With five minutes of meditation, I soothed my mind and body… clearing up my desire to do a
  2. One hour and fifteen minute run, which cleared my emotional toxins and inspired me to…
  3. Use a “concentrated” (focused on one person) “Ho’oponopono”… by Eric von Sydow, which quite possibly is favorite mental process of all existence (at least when forgiving specific people)… I followed this concentrated ho’oponopono with…
  4. A general ho’oponopono–designed for ALL connections I’ve had in the past, then…
  5. I just went on with my work!

Anyway, if you like this post, maybe you’ll enjoy some of my other posts.

   Posts You May Like:
Introverts Unconsciously Commit Social Suicide! — Becoming An Extrovert
The Answer to How To Sell Pop Rocks–Inside
Is The Life of a Child Worth 10 eLance Proposals To You? (87^+)
If You Want To Let Go… Hold On Tighter (To What You Value Most)

I’ll see you in these other posts.

Your Friend,
030
Aaron. D. Bell

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