Today was very fucking successful, despite the fact that I was a dick for not uploading a post earlier. There was a lot that I was dealing with, like:
- The uncertainty of my time at Hooters–I wrestle with feelings of possible loss in that I see a bonding moment between my manager and I (she sat down near me, smiling, etc.) and the possible breach of trust due to this obvious miscommunication
- Random thoughts about Fourth Coast (the place I was violently excommunicated from) triggers other images where I possibly harmed the business of others–like the times I visited bars and clubs just to talk with the women (where I would only order a Coke or water)
- Thinking about how I could spent too much money with random car-enhancements (fuel stabilizer in addition to a headlight), party gifts (for what you’ll see here in a moment), and computer upgrades.
- How I haven’t tracked my progress lately (HUGE one)
- How I’ve sacrificed “bonding moments” with 99.99% of people because of my choice in destiny–the reason I don’t feel a “super-close” bond with most people is because I have entirely different standards of what I accept for myself.
- How I need to remove myself from the Hooters environment as quickly as possible for the above reason (there’s just too much health=destruction, too many politics, and simply too much insecurity regarding my finances at this place)
There’s just so much shit that’s been going on in my head, that I needed some time just to step back and recoup myself.
Even if a post WOULD have been published earlier, there was probably a good chance of it coming from an uncentered place that you might not enjoy… so I’m overall OK with the decision with a quick update here at the end of the night.
So, now that we’ve got the main shit of my mind out of the way, let’s discuss some of today’s happenings, specifically visiting my manager:
- Freak out all night about seeing my manager–what if she keeps me out, shakes her head, and says “No, I can’t come in here?”… what if she lets me in, but then reports me for coming in to speak with her?
- Knowing that I need plan, Tony Robbins’s Challenge-Solving (Problem-Solving) questions come to mind–I brainstorm half a page of the most anxiety-alleviating material of my life, namely, “Buy a party-hat and blow-outs and celebrate the growth that she’s given me with her!”
- When 9:30 rolls out, I immediately head to Meijer, ask the (literally) retarded greeter for help on where the party hats are (she gives me directions to the pharmacy and restrooms before giving me surprisingly accurate directions to the stationaries), and I immediately search every aisle for those small, cone-shaped hats that I’ve worn many a time in my childhood
- Finding no party hats, I opt instead for some Mickey Mouse headbands to accessorize the Batman blowouts (“God dammit” I think to myself, “Am I really going to spend $6.99 on this shit?”)
- Yes. I buy six dollars and ninety-nine cents (plus whatever the tax was) of relative garbage
- I rev my silver SUV to the Hooters across the road–feeling my muscles tension and my breathing acclerate, slightly unevenly. I pull out a Mickey Mouse headband, put it on, feel it drop behind me as I look over to change lanes, grab another one, and turn onto the street that leads to Hooters.
- As I pull in, I tear open the blowouts and begin smiling as I feel the Batman-themed paper extend out of my face–the car in the parking lot looks strange to me, but I don’t notice it.
- I ring the doorbell to Hooters, wait at the side door, and just keep on fucking around with the blow-out and Mickey Mouse headbands that I hold, I feel fucking terrified–probably because of how permanent this shit is.
- The fucking OTHER manager opens the door (along with the guy who feels like he owes me $20)… I Immediately tell him how I was coming to apologizE to Lindsey, but I immediately felt stupid for not l checking the car in the parking lot properly.
- I offer him a Batman blow-out and a Mickey Mouse headband and he accepts–I leave thinking “Oh fuck…
This was literally more intense than approaching 20 women a day. I felt insecure like a dude before a judge–because someone literally has the option to fuck with my life (in the context of this temporary work anyway).
Now, I’m not against relinquishing financial control to an extent, but this has gotten ridiculous. Having financial security is something that I now crave to a greater and greater extent with every hour that passes during my time at Hooters.
I never, ever want another person to have control over me or power over me unless I specifically grant the person such.
Because most people do NOT make logical, accurate decisions on power–they make emotional, irrational decisions–I want to ensure that they have little, if any, control on MY presence.
Also, by limiting the power or effect that they have on my life, if I so choose to overtly influence them to make a positive change in their life, they’ll never be able to affect me personally if they were to lash out in resentment to me (think along the lines of getting a roommate to pick up after himself–remember how well that goes when you insist on him doing so).
Anyway, that was the major challenge. The minor challenge is keeping the Excel data for progress updated (and published), because that’s been something that’s been an issue lately. Also:
- Getting the run in is a priority (especially now that I’ve received some awesome running shoes, courtesy of Mom)
- Spanish + The Daily Bio-Energizer Warm Up Routine is also a must (by 2:00 AM tonight)
- Getting a perspective on my life from the perspective of Tony Robbins and Timothy Ferriss is an awesome diea
- Doing the hour of venn diagramming has been done 😉
Now, I know this blog post, like many others (all of them… except one), needs desperately to be edited. But something tells me that just pressing “publish” and getting onto the next activity is an extremely good idea at the moment, because there are other things to be completed.
So, let me sign off her, por favor, and we’ll get you some more kick-ass entertainment here in a very short while.
Let me know if you enjoy this, because it’s really cool to experience the experiencing of others… haha 🙂
Your Brother In Soul And Blood (It’s True),
P.S. The thing with my manager IS like that moment in Saving Private Ryan… it’s like watching the knife slowly come toward me (BUT I WILL BLOCK THAT KNIFE AND MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE MAN)
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